Those who manage to write great novels don’t do it without a certain degree of self-discipline. Regardless of which authors you look at, they all seem to maintain certain routines and habits which support them in their creative endeavors. Since all humans are different, the most diverse manifestations of these routines are perceptible.
Quotes on friendship are spread all over the internet. Whereas some quotes are profound and multi-layered, most of them are short and easy to understand. As word-finesses, they try to get to the heart of the term friendship in shortly arranged letters. Nevertheless, most of them leave one important question unanswered: What are fundamentals of a true friendship?
Everyone is coming up with different thoughts here. “Spending a lot of time together defines friendship”. “Meeting the same people regularly is the most important”. “Being in the same sports team, that’s it!”. Apparently, the scale of what can be regarded as fundamental for a friendship is diverse. By looking at different aspects, it should be possible to find a common thread in the opinions on friendship’s fundamentals. Let’s see, what’ll find.
Does everyone have different claims for friendship?
Many people don’t claim high standards from people they surround themselves with. A lot of them just don’t want to be alone without wasting much thought on those they spend their time with. In contrast, introverted and reflective people often have a hard time irrigating and keeping a friendship alive. While small talk is normal for the many, it’s debilitating for them.
Nonetheless, this doesn’t constitute a reason for them to give up on a friendship. Often, especially the introverted persons are those who care the most about close friends. Simply, because they often have a high degree of empathy. But frequently, a problem arises. They often expect their own “standards” from other persons as well. No matter what the parameters are, some amicable reciprocities simply go with the term friendship.
But at which point can someone decide whether his or her own benchmark is too high for others? What should be self-explicably and fundamental in a friendship and what’s the own preference only?
Friendship as an evolutionary concept
According to Psychology Today, a long-term friendship has to be positive and should come with the cooperation of both parties included. To count on someone in times of crisis is – historically seen – a main reason for the creation of friendships. Studies have shown that animals with the strongest social network live longest and have greater success in reproduction. We as descendants of apes create amicable groups as a security net for dangers and other stressors.
This has resulted in some major cornerstones which form the fundament of a healthy friendship. Firstly, an obvious factor is to spend time together. The more time we spend with someone, the tighter the relationship gets. No wonder, since we increasingly see the other person as an inherent part of our lives.
While laughing, dancing or exchanging stories, neurotransmitters are triggered in the brain which elicits positive emotions. These components are highly important for health and therefore also support a strong friendship.
Finally, the willingness to help is another key factor in every friendship. Who is always there for the other fulfils his instinctive expectation on the relationship while strengthening the bond.
The basics of friendship
Obviously, there are quite some aspects which are fundamental in a friendship – even without forcing the own benchmarks upon fellow beings. Societal-historically, those basics have been established as norms and have a certain amount of validity. No matter if two parties have known each other for 15 years of five months or if they spend much or comparably little time together. As soon someone is described as a “friend”, some rules have validity. That means, not putting someone in a bad light in front of others. Defending a friend and keeping secrets. What seems clear for most people is often neglected, nevertheless.
Based on experience, a paradox emerges from this. Namely, that people who are fulfilling the basics “less” than oneself are preferred. It seems that the perception of friendship is distorted, even wrong. The individual tends to think “Why does this person not spending time with me? After all, I’m the best friend he/she has”. Where is this coming from?
For one part, I trace it back to the fact that every human being has different beliefs on how friendship should be formed. Many people simply don’t demand warmth, thoughtful communication or physical consolation. Others need that kind of interpersonal behaviour.
Although a friendship exists, this leads to a conflict of interest. People search for friends who fulfil their criteria best. Those criteria were determined by them subconsciously. For that reason, even the best friend of the world falls by the wayside.
How many friends do I need then?
Studies have shown that most of us have five people in our lives which cover the named criteria. They’re the ones counting as our closest friends. Surely, the criteria are fulfilled differently balanced in general. Still, they serve as a good starting point for a good and healthy friendship. Sharing the same ideas with others is crucial. In the end, the fundamentals of a friendship will always remain something that everyone must define on his own.
Feature image from pixabay.
Like a virus, it infests our youth. Shielded from the public and almost invisible, it’s basically everywhere you look: Career pressure.
Especially young students seem to feel it enormous. Working through the weekend became a normality. The time not being available for family and hobbies isn’t worth mentioning. To live for the job or university has been established as common or even prestigious.
Show performance. Keep up. Being better. The baton of our generation. Like books and parties, mental illnesses now belong to the average students’ daily life. Anti-depressants are consumed like harmless cough candy during exams and fear constantly smiles from the table next to you.
Pursuing a career – At what price?
With the dream of a big career in sight, we navigate through school and working life just like a donkey having a carrot hanging in front of his snout. We say “someday, all stress will be gone. I will earn my money and everything will be alright.” Therefore, the illusion of many is that they can continue like that forever. Incautious victims stumble into working life after just having stood at graduation, being sure that “what worked until now will work just fine”. They throw the good resolutions for a life without stress overboard and unpack the boxing gloves for the daily struggle of power. Soon the individual realizes that it is not comfortable with the fight over the next step of the career ladder.
Doubt arises, whether the path they pursued is the right one. Soon, the old behaviour patterns are back again. While psyche reports back, the dusty anti-depressants are looking compelling from the medicine cabinet and fear is standing at the front door, about to move back in again.
Restricted by the hamster wheel
Is the notion of career a construct to keep us in the rat race? Certainly, it looks like it. At least it seems to lead young people into developing competitiveness early on. To put the own advantage into the core of daily action becomes an omnipresent norm. Has someone reached the point of no return in his job, it’s difficult to escape the mill. Whether many recognize themselves in the mirror then is questionable.
Nowadays, the concept of career resonates a clear reference to work. As soon someone meets new people, one of the first questions is “And what do you do?” in respect to the exerted job. Rarely, we hear people talk about a “career as a dad” or “career as a cleaner”. After all, these are no careers, they say.
A social rethinking of career is necessary
We need to distance ourselves from the notion of career to move towards the personal ambition in the life of humans. In short, we need less of “next year I’ll be head of department” and more of “next year I want to have enough time with my family” or “next year, I’ll write a book”.
I mean, what’s the purpose of having a career and a prestigious job without having your loved ones supporting you? Why should someone put his time consuming working life in the first place behind the people and passions he loves so much?
Somewhere in the depths of consciousness, many realize that they had been living in a matrix. A prison for the mind which lets them drown in the routine of daily life to distract from the important things.
The cautious have the choice to decide between the red and the blue pill. Red means everything is staying the same – work, small amount of leisure time, stress. Blue brings salvation from daily struggles, more time for family, friends and passions. Which one would you take?
What’s left to say
Career may show us one of the possible paths. Nevertheless, the individual should always remember, that it’s not the only one to take to be happy in the end. Deep in the heart, truth lies. Knowing that you don’t need to define yourself over a career is crucial. Actually, you don’t have to define yourself at all. Definitions are forever changeable, and so are we.
Feature image by Craig Adderley from Pexels.
Minimalism has become a very useful tool for me in the last couple of years. Not only could I separate myself from unnecessary clutter but I was also psychologically released by the mind shift. While the concept of minimalism does not restrict itself on decluttering and sorting-out, it also motivates you to live a more simple and thoughtful life. This includes relationships, acquaintances, friends, obligations or work life. Minimalism can help you to see the forest for the trees again and to gain perspective on the way you want to live your life.
At work, I recognized that I naturally integrated minimalism in my daily life and working processes. Often there were only short moments in which I came up with structured solutions for problems in breaking them down. To give you an insight in how to incorporate minimalism in your working lives, I summed up some of my experiences and best practices. Maybe some of them help you to see things more clearly and to face challenges with fresh air.
Break it down
Some tasks or problems are complex and the path to getting them done is foggy and indefinite. For me, it helped to break tasks into small bits that could be tackled easier. I asked myself “Which steps need to be taken to get this task done”. Through this, I detected impediments early on and it’s also a good feeling when you put a check mark before these quick wins. After all, you also wouldn’t eat a pizza in one piece, right?
Find your tools
Some tools help you stay organized. Trello worked perfectly for me since it helped me avoiding a desk full of post-its. Evernote can provide structure for your notes and ideas. Wunderlist or Asana can take your to-do lists to the next level. Just make sure to limit yourself preferably to one main tool besides of your e-mail-program. I tried to use more tools simultaneously and it just caused confusion and additional work. Some tools can also be integrated with each other, for instance your e-mail-box with your Trello board. See the instructions for Trello here. Also, Zapier is a great service to integrate any other tools with each other.
Keep it clean
Clutter causes distraction and confusion. Always make sure to keep your folders clear. Pictures belong to where the “pictures” are; videos belong to “Videos”. Establish a structure for how to separate your folders for projects or customers. Keep your virtual desktop free from the latest cat photo you downloaded. Your real desktop also shouldn’t be neglected – keep it free from stuff you don’t need. Do you need 36 biros? No. Please note that you can always have a personal item on your desk since minimalism does not mean “without personality”.
Sometimes you have so many tasks on your table that you lose sight for what is important at the moment. In most cases, you don’t have to do everything and since you’re human after all, you also can’t do everything at once. For me, it was a big help to prioritize my tasks. Often, you can’t decide that by yourself but you can always ask superiors, colleagues or in some cases even customers what is more important from their perspective.
Focus for Efficiency
The main reason why people don’t get things done is the lack of focus. Too many tasks at once messes with the concentration and through the increased speed of work thanks to e-mail and smartphones, we simply lose our ability to really focus on one task. The good news – you can do something about it. These measures worked for me:
- Block a time slot in your calendar
- Turn off all notifications and sounds
- Find what helps you to focus, whether it’s music, noise-cancelling headphones or a special type of tea/coffee. That creates a trigger for your brain.
- Set a time limit that fits your kind of task, 15-20min can already make a difference! For some people, methods such as the Pomodoro-Technique help you to use your time efficiently. Try some of them out and look for what suits you best. Note that breaks are always important for your brain to store information and to reboot.
For further reading, I highly recommend you to read Deep Work by Cal Newport. It’s a great book about today’s value of concentrated work and the advantages that go along with it.
Eliminate the Shallow Work
Some tasks need to be done every day, every week or every month. Some of them require a decent amount of time, although they could work automatically. So for me, it was great to ask “Which of my tasks could be automated, delegated or improved?” Here are some things I drew from that:
- Automatic sorting of e-mails, so that I don’t have to sort them into folders manually
- Automatization of Reportings through Excel
- Creating a default PowerPoint-set so that I don’t have to start all over every time I need to prepare a presentation.
- Improve weaknesses: If I’m very slow with a program or a process, I try to find ways to make it better. This can range from learning shortcuts to watching tutorials or finding someone experienced to learn from.
Confront the Meetings
Meetings can be a pain in the a** for everyone. Some people like to hear themselves talk which makes the meetings take forever. From my experience, there are some aspects that you can do as an individual to make meetings more efficient:
- How can I prepare my topics for the meetings so that they are clear and easy to explain?
- Which topics can be discussed quickly? Which topics need further discussion in another format?
- Is what I’m aiming to say adding to the topic or do I simply rephrase what others have said already?
Reflect and Evaluate
Always be on the hunt for things in your daily routine that just don’t make sense or seem unnecessary. Ask yourself what tasks took very long today and why that was the case. Also, all the measures above are not fool-proof. Therefore, just make sure that you look back after two weeks on the steps you took and reflect on your experience. Adapt and justify until the measures fit your need!
What measures did help you to integrate more minimalism at work? Do you have routines or procedures that make your work easier? As always, I am looking forward to your comments!
Also check out some of my recommendations to learn from other minimalists!
In my childhood, praying was something I did quite regularly. Well, you couldn’t exactly call it praying since most of the time, it was a 15-20 times repetition of phrases like “Please make sure that our house doesn’t burn down tonight” or “Please make sure that no burglars break into our house tonight” (Note how I excessively used the polite imperative). A part of the procedure surely could be attributed to a small neurosis that I seemed to have as a kid – why else should I’ve repeated these mantras that often. But overall, I have to admit that the praying itself was more of a protective measure, comparable to hanging garlic next to my bed against vampires. If anything, you could call it “precautious” more than “religious”.
Nothing to confess, nothing to fear?
My slightly shifted understanding of religion accompanied me all the way through primary school. I remember having to go to confession within the context of our religion class in third grade. It was a strange thought to come up with sins just like that in front of a pastor we all barely knew. But as a kid, you just shrug your shoulders and be like “these adults surely have their reasons”. So I went to endure the process.
To my great surprise, the confession was not held in a confessional box like in a good mafia film but in a sterile back room of the church which smelled like incense and dusty wooden chairs. Feeling intimidated, I sat opposite the pastor in the middle of the room. What I told him in detail slipped my mind, but it must have been either half true or sinfully filigreed. On a day previous to the confession, I had thrown a ball so clumsy that one of my classmates sprained his finger and needed to wear a bandage. Since me – the evil third grader – had dashed the ball on purpose and with deadly precision on the finger of my classmate, I didn’t want to hide this insight into the chasms of the human soul. In hindsight, I believe that the pastor didn’t take a narrow view on that. After all, most of my sins were not severe enough for the last judgement, for which reason he let me go home with a handful of well-intentioned advice.
Especially in primary school, the notion of religion really takes shape in the heads of children. We learned about the bible and which lessons could be drawn from it as well as about what’s sinful and what makes a good person. As a child, I felt deep respect for the bible stories and especially the passion of the Christ always had the potential to impress me. But I also wondered why everything had to be about the forgiveness of sins and the unrestricted love for God. Everything felt very strict and gloomy as opposed to encouraging and joyful.
Church as a contradictory institution
Going to church always supported that view. In our town, it was a quite dark and barely lit place. Cement walls embracing dark wooden benches concentrated on three crosses behind the altar. In a dark corner, there was a baptismal font also made of cement, standing there as if baptism was a thing that has to be secretly hidden. The whole place just didn’t make sense to me since it didn’t match my views on how religion should be lived. Instead of feeling happy and uplifted, I remember leaving the services feeling down and oppressed.
Generally, going to any church soon began to frustrate me on a deeper level. For one part, we visited pretty much every church that we came along on vacation and for the other part we were one of these families which, after Christmas dinner and handing out presents, hit the road to church. I never understood this as a child. First you’re allowed to unpack presents but then you have to leave them behind to sing weird songs with strangers in a rather cold and packed room. Even for an educated music scientist, the orders of the lines were a mystery themselves. Of course it seemed self-explaining that firstly, you sing verse A, then five times verse B, then the chorus and then – of course – verse M. Even in the moments where there was no singing, I had to pull myself together not to drown myself in the baptismal font.
Unfortunately, I have to confess that I myself was a part of these occult procedures called worship services. After my communion (which appeared to me like the perfect invention money-wise), my brother and I signed up as acolytes at our local church. These poor souls supported the pastor while wearing bad-fitting and fittingly smelling frocks. We prepared the wine we were not allowed to drink and collected the collection from the innocent guests which we were not allowed to keep. Until today I am of the opinion that the most exciting job was to ring the bell at the start of the service.
I think it’s clear that I didn’t take my job as an acolyte very serious at all. Various times I had to suppress a conniption next to the altar when my brother or another acolyte silently commented on bible phrases. At last, we had enough of giving up our free time for such an unpaid side job (after all, we had to show up on most weekends and holidays) and finally decided to hand in our frocks. Just metaphorically of course, since we didn’t have our own frocks.
After choosing ethics over religion class in the 7th grade, I further distanced myself from church towards atheism. It just felt like the right next step to learn more about the enlightenment, humanism or the studies of Kant and Plato as opposed to further pore on my bible studies. I learned a lot in this class and it definitely resonated better with my values.
Finally, leaving the church two years ago didn’t feel that radical then. No regrets, no desire to go back. It was the end of a journey in which I subconsciously had never really wanted to take part. Retrospectively, I had always been a predestined atheist, who never quite got the entire fuss over the church and this thing called faith.
Now I am interested in your path. Maybe you found your way to faith in your late teenage years or much later? Maybe you experienced something similar to what I did? I would love to hear your stories!